Don Suave vs. El Gran Caballero
DON SUAVE AND EL GRAN CABALLERO TACKLE YOUR PROBLEMS OF THE CORAZON

ILLUSTRATION Blue Srilasak

Hey crazy vatos, I have a problema. I have been going out with a girl who I really dig. She is a fox, cool to hang out with, and even likes football. We’ve been seeing each other and doing the wild thing for a couple of months now. I always thought there was something a little off about her. Sometimes she was hard to reach or not available to do stuff. Now I have found out la verdad. She is divorced and has dos muchachos! I don’t know which bothers me more, the fact that she has two kids or the fact that she totally covered it up and lied to me. What would you do? Should I dump the mentirosa or stay with her because I still do have the hots for her?

Don Suave says: Sounds like you haven’t been giving her a full treatment of Don Suave Truth—that you’re the best thing to ever come her way. Women have a tendency to just pour out their heart and soul to you, if you play it the Suave Way. They tell you everything, and that way you’re never taken by surprise. But hey, you aren’t interested in this maldita for anything other than what you should be interested in her for: ka donga donga. As long as the kids don’t get in the way, what difference does it make? Don Suave doesn’t have to lie, but if you do, just make sure that your lies are bigger than her lies, and you’ll be okay. By the way, those kids don’t look anything like Don Suave, do they?

El Gran Caballero says: As El Gran Caballero has written many times before, lying is never a good thing; it creates more problems than it could ever solve. Your situation is a perfect example. Your little luscious latina may have been lying to you for a variety of reasons, but none of them really matters. The reality is that she was dishonest with you and she’s lost a montón of your trust.

You have a couple of decisions to make. If you like/lust after this chula enough, then you can think about confronting her with the truth and give her the opportunity to come clean, work together to rebuild your trust in each other, and learn something from the experience by making honesty one of the cornerstones of your relationship. Or you can just confront her, shame her for lying, and dump her. Hopefully she’ll have learned a lesson and will be more truthful in the future. Unfortunately for you, if you’ve already dumped her, you won’t be the benefactor of this more honest babe.

There is this beautiful chica who gets my heart pumping just thinking about her angelic face and curvaceous body. BUT I need to steal her away from her boyfriend. How do you recommend that I go about snagging this young princesa’s heart from the ugly toad? Besides, I’ve heard she’s not happy with him so it wouldn’t be a bad thing for me to win her heart.

Don Suave: In Don Suave’s experience, the simplest (and most fun) way to get any chick’s attention is to introduce one element into the scene: more chicks. By publicly surrounding yourself with hotties, and parading them through the club, bar, neighborhood, or wherever you hang out, you attract more than just the curiosity of every other female for miles around; you also arouse their animal nature and desire to be possessed by such an hombre. Women are instinctively interested in the man who obviously has conquered many women. When she knows you could have any girl you want, she will want to please you more than any other. Your battle is ninety percent over. How do you get this group of hotties to begin with? All the answers lay in the only source you’ll ever need for such activities: The Good Book, starting on page one, chapter one, volume one. I’m referring, of course, to The Don Suave Way™ Book of Scamming. Study, seek, scam.

El Gran Caballero: First off, the boyfriend is really not your problem. She’s going to have to decide what or who she wants to do all on her own. Of course, you can be persuasive and make your best case, but I wouldn’t recommend too much pressure. You don’t want to be the “weird stalker guy” who just doesn’t get the hint. She may very well tell her current boyfriend, pendejo that he may be, to kick your ass. You want her to see all your amazing qualities (that you speak in full sentences, can dress yourself, have bank and wheels, read Open Your Eyes, etc) and just not be able to resist. Suerte, compadre!

My girlfriend wants to get a boob job. I really don’t like fake chichis and I’ve tried to tell her that her breasts look fine the way they are. The problem is almost all her friends have had theirs done and now she doesn’t want to get “left behind.” There are also the health risks that I have tried to tell her about. But she’s like a stubborn little kid that wants to buy a lollipop and won’t take no for answer. What’s worse is that I’m the one who’s going to pay for it, although I’m sure she’d go ahead with it even if I refused to pay. What do you say about this?

Don Suave: You’re missing an opportunity here that’s right under your nose. Women want to enhance themselves for us, not for them. This girl is looking for ways to please you, to keep you interested. You’ve got to leverage that desire to the benefit of both of you. What would you like her to do for you that she isn’t doing now? Perhaps there’s something that she’s not doing enough of. If you take five minutes, I’ll bet you can think of more than a few things that you’d prefer she’d either start doing or stop doing. Let her know what you want, and I’m betting she’ll jump on it, so to speak. Whether or not she goes through with this particular decision, depends on what both of you want, and yes, you do have a say if you’re paying. But she may very well find that she gets the extra attention she wants from you by doing the things that get your attention, and you’ll both be happier. Right up to the point where you cheat on her with her best friend, la chichona.

El Gran Caballero: Move on. Your vieja sounds shallow and vacuous. If so much of her self-esteem is tied to getting bigger tits, she’s got problemas. However, if you love this woman so much that it’s not really an option to dump her, I’d suggest repeated attempts at talking this through with her. If you can get to the root of why she needs to risk her life (yeah, women die from this shit…first from the operation and then from breast cancer because women with fake chichis can’t identify hard lumps in their breasts—the whole thing is a hard lump) for such a vain endeavor. Perhaps you can convince her of her natural God-given beauty and help talk her out of it. You probably should also help her make some new friends with more money invested in their education and their brains than in their chests.

I have a panty fetish. Me gustan mucho! I like to smell them. Ahhhhhhhhh. The problem is that it’s hard to get my hands on used panties of attractive girls. Big fat panties of old or fat girls don’t really do it for me. I usually have to get some when I go over people’s places. Like I have a friend who has a hot roommate. Last time I was over I snuck into her bathroom and took one of her nice set of dirty panties. I have a nice little collection, but I like them better when they’re nice and "fresh" (if you know what I mean) so I’m constantly having to get more, which is not always easy. Do you think this is unhealthy? I’m not hurting anyone. Don Suave I’m sure you’ll sympathize and maybe you can even give me a few ideas for getting my hands on more panties. Thanks.

Don Suave: Slow it down there, hombre. Don’t lump Don Suave in with you and your fetishistic buddies just yet. While I realize that there are as many ways to ecstasy as there are former conquistas of Don Suave, that doesn’t mean the Don practices them all. You’re not wearing this stuff, are you? For my money, I’m more interested in the chick that’s in the panties, and getting those panties out of the way, than in the other way around. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ve given this a lot more thought than I ever have. I don’t think I can help you with this one. I suppose the one thing you might do is follow around the faithful readers of my column—there ought to be plenty of what you’re looking for being tossed to the side in the process of achieving loftier goals.

El Gran Caballero: Well, I guess it takes all kinds to make our world what it is! The funny thing is, you are definitely not alone in your little fetish. I once read that there were vending machines in Japan that sold dirty panties! I’d hate to have gone to a machine thinking I was getting an ice cold soda and then BAM!!! out comes a pair of crusty panties! Nasty! Anyway, I think you’re going to have to hook up with Don Suave and get the low down on this situation. He should have some excellent ideas for you; he’s a sick little monkey too. I’d just like to remind you that you’re stealing when you take those panties from your friends, and if you get caught, you’re likely to never get invited over again. You’re probably safer asking your conquistas to part with their panties as a “memento” of your time together.

While you’re having sex, how many different positions should you use each time. I like to go crazy and use at least 10 positions each time I do it, but my woman complains that I’m treating sex like a circus act instead of a romantic thing?

Don Suave: “And now! If you’ll direct your attention to the center ring…” Circus act sex! I like the sound of that. You know those female trapeze artists are extremely flexible. Anyway, you use as many positions as you like. Si no le gusta, crack the whip! You’re the ringmaster, my friend, not a clown. She can’t force you to walk the tightrope of romance. If this girl can’t appreciate the contortions into which you’re bending her, doesn’t float to the heights of ecstasy with the greatest of ease, and distracts you with complaints right at the moment you feel like you’re going to be shot out of a cannon, then DUMP her! She’ll find that she’s been working without a safety net, and she’ll jump through hoops to get you back. If she doesn’t, the only romance she’ll be getting is with the bearded lady. Go crazy!

El Gran Caballero: It absolutely doesn’t matter one tiny ounce of chicle what El Gran Caballero thinks about how many positions you should use. The only opinion that matters is that of your vieja. If you’re getting a little too wild for her, then you’re getting too wild. You’re not a circus performer and apparently neither is she. Slow it down, keep it romantic, and concentrate on pleasing each other. You can always try compromising. Keep it slow and romantic for the first part of the night and then get crazy as the night goes on. Of course, this needs to be discussed with your partner. Now go out there and make some noise!

When you’re at a club or party, what’s the best way to tell if a chick is into you other than going up to her and asking her to dance. And if you start talking to her how do you know if she likes you or maybe is just being nice. Is there something you can do to test her?

Don Suave says: Young reader, no wonder you’re confused. I can tell from your question that you need schooling in the fundamentals. First of all, you must know from the get go that all women are interested in you, and it is just a matter of which one is lucky enough to be chosen by you for that night. If you’re in a club, for instance, and you’ve made eye contact, don’t even move. Slowly, confidently, motion her to come over to you. Then lay a suave line on her, a suave smile, and some suave body language moving in close to her, and let her try to resist. When you’re talking to her, it’s not to find out if she likes you, it’s to make her like you in spite of herself. You must take control from the start—a woman’s instinct will respond to this, and then it’s two against one: you, and her own natural desire, against her. I think you can guess who the winner will be.

El Gran Caballero says: Test her? Hmm…maybe you could have her take the S.A.T.! Hermano, you need to refine your instincts. Women are complex, sometimes confusing, yet wonderful, creatures that require careful handling. If a woman seems interested in you, then she probably is. She has no reason to waste her time on punks that she just feels sorry for.

You need to work on understanding all the subtle signals a woman sends to let you know she’s interested in more than polite conversation. Is her body language telling you something? Is she leaning into you? Is she touching you (on the hand, shoulder, leg, etc)? Is she asking questions about you? Then those are all good signs that you’ve been cleared for stage two of this promising encounter. If you play your cards right, you’ll be headed down the happy road to getting some acción in no time.

If, on the other hand, she’s turning her back to you, trying to ignore you, and/or calling for security then you know it’s time to move on. El Gran Caballero doesn’t have much experience in the rejection department, but I think my compadre Don Baby Smooth can give you more insight into this given his years of dealing with being shot down by so many women. Suerte!

My vieja likes it when I get rough with her. The more I slap her and pull on her greñas the more it drives her crazy. She even wants me to bite her. I’ve been giving her the rough treatment and it’s getting rougher, but how should I know when I’ve gone too far? I don’t want to end up on Cops.

Don Suave says: Don Suave has run into situations like this, and I can tell you: the female skeleton is much more fragile than you’d think. She’s gonna get hurt, and if she can still talk, she’ll blame you, and you WILL be on Cops. It’s not worth you going to jail—there are other ways for you to give her what she wants. For instance, if she likes it rougher than is feasible, then, after several shots of tequila, break out a big plastic mat, invite over a hot chick that you previously arranged to be waiting for your call, and oil both ladies down thoroughly. Another shot of tequila for good luck, and slide them both out on to the mat together! Let those two have at it while you videocam the catfight for posterity, (or the trial, whichever comes first.) Your woman’s happy, the neighbor chick’s happy, and if any grenas get damaged, it’s not your fault—hey, you’re just the oilboy/cameraman.

El Gran Caballero says: Slow down there Santo, you’re not staging a WWF event. You must establish boundaries with your vieja. The best way to do this is to talk to her about it. She’s the only person that’s going to be able to tell you what’s too much. If you still end up on Cops, please tell them your name is Chad and that you’re a really tan white boy. I hate seeing our gente on that damn show!

I was on a date with a girl and she had a moco hanging out of her nostril. I didn’t say anything but it kind of killed the whole date for me. Later she went to the bathroom and must of wiped it. Should you tell a girl in this situation or just ignore her moco?

Don Suave says: Brutal. I think if you spot something like that, you can just about wrap it up for that girl. You’ve got to keep your standards high. There are so many hot chicks out there that make sure they look their very best for you, and you’re sitting there across from Snufulafugus. I don’t know how you could have kept a straight face. Lose her. Pick out a new one—so to speak.

El Gran Caballero says: What a gentleman! It’s obvious that you’re a long-time Open Your Eyes reader. Who else would worry about how to deal with such a delicate social situation? Compadre, only, and I mean only, if that moco is just hanging there, winking at you, whispering sweet nothings, and just impossible to ignore, would I suggest a polite, “I think there’s something on your nose.” She’ll start to swat at it and not quite get it because it’s in her nose, but when she realizes that it’s not really on her nose, she’ll figure it out. She might be a little embarrassed, but she’ll get over it and that moist, green, sticky little mass of mucous will just be a salty memory. Think of this moment as something the two of you can laugh about in the future.