BY Tenere Williams

So last week I went to a family reunion in Las Vegas. I thought the extreme heat I had to deal with would be the only annoyance (it’s not unusual to see people heating up their dinner leftovers by simply placing the to-go box on the sidewalk for a couple minutes…), but alas, there was something much more annoying—really down right  disturbing—and that was the state of men’s fashion.

What I saw in Vegas begged me to ask the simple question, “WHY?” If you can imagine the most high end fashion show you’ve ever seen on TV and then think the exact opposite then you will have a small composite of the fashion disasters I came across. And it would be funny if it was just one guy here and there with quirky style, but this was a full blown epidemic.  So I want to go over some things that you should never ever attempt to wear. And if you don’t heed my advice, I will personally ask the publisher of OYE to bar you from this web site.  I’m serious. Forget calling the fashion police, I’m calling the real police and having you arrested for having no sense.

1) Berets - No, not the colorful little plastic pieces that go in little girls’ hair. Berets (pronounced buh-rays). I know Prince sung about them in the early ’80′s (see “Rasberry Beret”) however, he was talking about a hot girl wearing one…not you Dome-appotamus. Unless you are painter in France, a member of Public Enemy’s Security of the First World (S1W) or actually in the military and/or a member of the Green Berets (in which case you are a certified badass and can wear whatever you want) , this form of head adornment should NEVER appear on your head. I would rather see you rockin a Burger King crown than a beret.  After taking a gander at the pic below, you’ll see why I’m saying what I’m saying.  Unfortunately, this member of the family reunion did not get the memo.

2) Sagging skinny jeans - For those of you who have crossed over to the dark side and gone from baggy jeans to wearing jeans so tight you can outline your manhood on the outside of your jeans (not so good for someone of you…I’m just sayin’), please do not compound the problem by then trying to sag those jeans. I’m true old school baggy to the heart, but the jeans today are so tight, it really does look like you couldn’t make it to the bathroom and you took a dump in your pants. To make matters worse, you have to walk…or waddle…like a grown-ass man who just took a dump in his already too small pants and I can tell you that neither Gatorade or the ladies are gonna come callin cuz that’s not G. So don’t do it.

3) Crocs with socks - If you are a true subscriber to this magazine and own a pair of Crocs, I’m sending a cyber slap through this computer screen to you right now. You may feel it now or a little later through your email but please believe it’s coming. You make me sick. I don’t care if you’re girlfriend said they looked cute and that the two of you should have a matching pair, you put those on again and you might as well start sitting down when you go number one. And if the shoes themselves aren’t bad enough… WHY THE SOCKS?!! You know what, just talking about this is making me physically angry…so you can imagine how I felt when I saw droves of guys in Vegas wearing them. So I’m going to leave this alone, but I’ll leave you with this: the whole sandal game is a delicate arena because there is a very fine line in terms of what’s acceptable and what’s not. Once you get away from the flip-flop, you’re on dangerous ground.  So for those who have ears to hear, let them hear…

4) Scarves in warm weather - Now this trend totally confuses me because I went to school in Chicago where scarves are used for survival, not as a fashion accessory. Other than giving you a hot sweaty neck, what purpose does a scarf in warm weather serve? Again, just don’t do it, you look silly.

5) Wearing non-gym attire to the gym - Again, I’m talking to the men in the room. I’m not talking tothe young  lady on the machine next to you who’s wearing the V-neck t-shirt she wears to the club with the neckline so low her funbags look like they’re tryin to see what’s goin on in the world. No, that’s fine.  I’m talkin about the dude who comes into the gym with a polo shirt, some dress socks and topsiders on…What in the world?!! You look silly and everyone knows you can’t be serious about working out. That’s the guy that does one set of one on every machine and just seems to roam around the gym (probably checking out aforementioned woman with club shirt on) .  And no I’m not making this up, I actually saw this.  The moral of the story is just try and look like you have some sense.

So that does it for now and please believe the list is much longer but these mistakes are such atrocities I felt I had to speak on them in a public setting. So just know that you’ve been warned and the next time you think you’re being funny with the ladies, be careful, cuz they probably aren’t laughing with you, their probably laughing at you and your silly beret.

–

What other fashion don’ts do you feel guys need to get rid of?

Tenere can be reach at twilliams@oyemag.com

Tenere is a Los Angeles resident and is pretty sure that listening to old men clear their throats is the most disgusting thing there is.

Popularity: 1% [?]