BY El Pinto Viejo Reporting from New Folsom Prison, California

Saludos a todos from here behind the paredes. I was just pensando about some of the jales that not many batos used to want back in the day pero that ahora even el Pinto Viejo might not mind having. What kind of jales am I talking about? Pues off the top of my chavete one might be a cheerleader. Chale, I don’t mean dressing up like a ruca. I’m talking about that bato who tosses a ruca up in the air and catches her. Sure, it’s hard work tossing them viejas around pero vale la pena ¿que no? Those of you batos who saw that movie with Kirsten Duntz, Bring It On, know what I’m talking about.

Simon, most batos who have jales like hairstylists y make up artists got a lot of azucar in the tanque. But not every one of those batos has to be a Tinkerbell. Tell me what bato would mind asking a ruca, “So what dye color do you have in mind for down there?” Or, “Brazilian? No problema. Just lay down there and I’ll hook you up.”

I can hear some of you gente curando right now porque it sounds funny pero piensalo. Look at the fine mamacitas in OYE. Hijole, somebody has to be in charge of saying, “Hmm…just dab more powder on this cachete…oh, and on those cachetes tambien. How bad could the jale be? Long photo shoot days with rucas in tangas y bikinis who keep coming by to ask you to get rid of their five o’clock shadows…down there.

Palabra was that Jennifer Lopez had a bato who would tweak her nipples during her “Jenny From The Block” video shoot. I would sure like to know where batos can sign up for a jale like that. Orale, all of my vida I’ve been doing it to rucas for free. Chingado, maybe I can get some back pay o algo. The cosa is, that at the tiempo it never seemed like work. Ay carbon, I got on the job training without even realizing it.

Jales like this would also have their own perils tambien. What if you were a masseur who was giving some ruca a full body massage, but then you flip her over and ¡saz! you discover she has a wheelie bar? Do you stop and kick the bato’s fundio or do you work around the wheelie bar? If you had to actually stop and think about it, maybe you’re reading the wrong revista.

I only had one camarada in the barrio who was a hairstylist. The bato began as a barber in the C.Y.A. then went to cosmetology school to pick up on rucas. He was the only bato in the whole clecha. Y because of that he had a lot of quebradas to smack a ruca’s piñata with his palito. The bato even tried to get me to sign up tambien. Of course I said, chale. In those tiempos, batos didn’t ask other batos to do chingaderas like that. I told him I was no torero and didn’t like the thought of dodging cuernos y pues that ended that—though he swore he wasn’t gay.

Around that tiempo there were a couple of other batos I knew who wanted to become registered nurses. Pues, back in the dia being a nurse was considered a ruca’s jale. Hijole, after the carilla y pirujo jokes, those batos came to their senses. I still think we were right on with that decision, porque the idea of being a health care worker who gives the occasional sponge bath to a firme ruca may be appealing, pero the drawback is at some point you will also have to give sponge baths to un-firme rucas tambien—and also to batos. Combine that with blood draws, enemas, catching all kinds of cosas de quien sabe que, and I know we did those batos un gran favor.

¿Quien sabe? If I had a jale as the bato at a foto shoot who had to make sure que the pompis weren’t too shiny, I might not last long. I say that porque if a ruca needed a little dab of powder here and there I would certainly say, “Simon…there you go chiquita.” Pero if it was a bato, I don’t think giving him a size 10 imperial zapato to the culo and telling him, “Black and blue is in for you this año, cabron!” is really going to go over to good with the OYE editors. So I already foresee a problema with having that type of jale. Porque at some punto a male model will be used.

I had better get back to thinking this whole chingadera over otra vez. Orale pues, Ya me voy por ahora. Llevanselo bajito y despacito.

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