By Tenere Williams

Fellas, have you ever noticed that it’s an art form when it comes to communicating with the opposite sex. As if communicating isn’t hard enough, please don’t let that communication turn into an argument. Let me throw out an example…

Have you ever been in a conversation with your significant other (girlfriend/wife/booty call) and within a moments notice, you feel like you’re dodging heavy artillery fire in the middle of Afghanistan? I’m talkin’ hunkered down in a foxhole, enemy closing in, you’re an army of one going up against thousands—but this is no Call of Duty or Modern Warfare video game.

And at that moment, as you feel beads of sweat rollin’ down your bewildered/confused face, you end up asking yourself that inevitable question that every man throughout time has asked himself more than a 1000 times…

“What just happened?”

Through years of observation, it has occurred to me in my short time on this Earth that the good Lord has blessed the female species with an innate power to flip any argument and use jedi-like powers to make you believe that somehow, no matter what the circumstance or argument, YOU are always at fault. It’s an amazing thing to see it in action…however no fun to be on the receiving end of such a tirade. And if you haven’t been on the receiving end, please turn in your man card now and close down this site immediately because it means you haven’t been man enough to get into an argument with a female. We here at OYE don’t need your weakness bringing down the testosterone levels of this great institution…I’m serious, read no further. Moving on…

I’ve actually witnessed friends have arguments with girlfriends who, after careful consultation with myself and the homies, have entered the verbal octagon with the confidence of a MMA fighter, only to be broken down by some Mr. Miyagi verbal karate chops that resulted in them apologizing with their tail between their legs, shrugging their shoulders with a defeated look in their eye.

Truthfully, I can’t fault the homies because I’ve found my own self actually preparing for verbal warfare, going over possible rebuttals and comebacks for those rebuttals—and still wondering at the end of the argument, “Why do I feel bad? She was the one at fault!” Alas, I had been verbally sucker punched.

To prove my point, below is a recent argument I witnessed (from a safe distance) between one of the homies and his girl. I’ve recounted how she chopped Goliath down to size in 8 easy steps:

1) He brought up the issue at hand

2) In a sweet voice, she asked what he was talking about

3) He stated why the issue had been bothering him

4) She gave him the innocent, blank stare which essentially reads, “What could I have possibly done?”

5) He continued on with the issue

6) She then stood, her head spun around, she cracked her neck twice and used one of the oldest jedi mind tricks: bring up something that happened like 5 years ago to get you off track.

**Side note #1– This is an effective tactic because they will give you a specific date, day and time that you “messed” up. Notice it will be a true event that happened but many times has been blown out of proportion and many times has no relevance to what you’re CURRENTLY talking about. This in effect gets you confused and off track of your original point. For example:

“Remember in 2002 when you forgot my birthday?”

“But I had barely met you that week! ”

“So! You missed it!”

7) She continued with a AK-47 rapid fire barrage of other past events that had indeed happened but weren’t relevant.

“What about that girl I caught you lookin’ at when we were at IHOP on Wednesday, June 25, 2005?”

“I don’t even remember going there on that day.”

“Of course you don’t!”

“Who are you talking about? The waitress? Okay, she was taking our order. Did you want me to stare at the wall and order”

“You should have!”

**Side note #2- It’s amazing to me that they can remember something from five years ago about you but when you bring up something from a couple days ago they suddenly “don’t recall” or “don’t remember”.

By not letting him get a word in edgewise, you could see his head spinning and he eventually wore down. It’s like he couldn’t process everything quick enough and then she delivered a knockout blow.

She shredded through his game plan like a samurai and went back to watching re-runs of Ugly Betty while he was sent back to his corner to lick his wounds from the Mack truck that just blind sided him.

I’m sure similar stories to the one above are played out millions of times a day across this planet with similar endings. In the end, this is life for us men. We may beat our chests, blow stuff up and let out primal screams, but verbal battle against females is not our strength. I don’t know how to combat it but for now, I figure the best way to avoid such humiliation is to choose your battles wisely, have a strong battleplan and stay focused. You can’t just go in guns-a-blazin’ and swingin’ wild because you will get annihilated.

I trust we will eventually evolve and develop our own verbal tactics (that actually work), but until then, please know what you’re doing before entering the verbal Ring of Fire with the ladies of your life.

What was the last jedi mind trick your woman used on you to win an argument? Share your stories or suggestions.

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Tenere Williams can be reached at twilliams@oyemag.com

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