BY Don Suave and El Gran Caballero

1. I’m 40 years old and never been married. My friends/family think I’m too picky. I’m may not be the best looking guy in the world but I figure if I get married, I want it to be with a beautiful woman. Is it better to marry a hot woman that you will find attractive for many years to come or should I settle for a “nice” girl?

El Gran Caballero: I’m going to go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that when you describe yourself as “not the best looking guy in the world,” you don’t mean that you’re 4’10”, overweight, balding, and cross-eyed, with a mean combination of extreme bad breath and uncontrollable gas. (I know some of you think I’m describing Don Suave, but I’m not. Don Softy must be at least 4’11”.) So putting these issues aside, you need to get a handle on your self-esteem.

There is no reason that you can’t be with the nena of your dreams as long as you can be true to yourself and find the confidence you need to be the man that any woman would want. Remember, it’s us hombres who are fixated on looks. Women tend to have different priorities. They might be more interested in the size of your bank account than the size of your…um…muscles.

But I must say that focusing on beauty as the most important measure by which you will decide which woman you will marry strikes me as superficial and not very mature. Of course, you must find your wife physically attractive, but at the same time the qualities that will make her a good wife and mother have much less to do with her beauty and much more to do with her character. It’s got to be a package deal or you’re headed for trouble. Beauty will fade, but a woman who can truly be your partner and can grow with you over the years is much more of a catch.

Don Suave: Are you frickin’ KIDDING ME?! You want to ruin a perfect 40-year record? Listen carnal, the first thing you need to do is throw yourself a party for having made it this far without getting hitched, and be sure to invite at least 25 screaming hot single chicks along with about a dozen of your married buddies (you’ve got that many, if you’re 40.)

After the alcohol has been flowing for about two hours, take a good look around the room at the faces of your married friends and memorize what you see: regret, remorse, and more regret. You’re living the life they all WISH they could be living again! You’re a professional bachelor, you’ve got your game honed to a perfect pitch, and you want to throw it all away, and not even on a smokin’ hot chick!

What are YOU smoking!?!

If you really have to walk that plank, and there’s no way out of it, then you do it with the smokin’ hottest, drop dead gorgeous-iest, fall-over-backwards-down-three-flights-of-stairs beautiful-est female human any pair of gonads has ever laid their eyes on. And even then that won’t be enough. Because there’s an old Don Suave saying that you need to think long and hard about before you pull the trigger, and it’s this: Show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who’s… And you can google the rest. (Yes, Don Suave’s wisdom has reached enough people to now be googleable.)

2. I was with a “lady of the night” for my first time and now I’m hooked. It does get a bit pricey but my main concern is actually getting a disease. I always use a condom. Are there things I can catch even with a condom?

El Gran Caballero: Well, a condom is a great way to protect yourself from most of the stuff you really need to worry about, but you’d better be sure that thing is on tight. Just one mistake and your chile could be paying the price for years to come. There is some seriously scary shit out there that could lead to blindness (gonorrhea), death (AIDS and untreated syphilis), or a fate worse than death, having your mangera permanently out of commission. Of course, even with a condom you still have to worry about crabs. And then of course there’s hepatitis if you’re paying for the whole GFE thing and are swapping saliva with these little happy makers.

So clearly this is not a “risk free” situation you’re involved in, but then again what is? I’d highly recommend spending some time surfing the internet for sexually transmitted diseases and be sure to look up all the somewhat unappetizing pictures of what these STDs can do to your churro and other moist body parts.

You might also think about polishing up your game so you can start getting some of this special attention for free. I mean come on, you work hard for your money, there are much better things you could be spending it on—like a new ride to attract all the mamacitas that don’t charge for their amor!

Don Suave: You can catch one helluva good time, is what you can catch. But you’ve got a more important and much larger problem: you’re paying for what you should be getting paid for. You’ve got the whole situation exactly backwards.

You need to put the time and effort into developing yourself into a commodity that’s in such huge demand by women that you can charge them whatever fee you want (figuratively speaking—sort of). Once you find out how to make a woman have a religious experience in a bathroom stall (or wherever else you choose to take her), she’ll be hooked for life, and you can name your price. Doesn’t that sound like a better way to live? Living life the Don Suave Way™ puts you in control, instead of putting you in front of the ATM three times a week. When you call the shots and can command beautiful women whenever and wherever you feel like it, you’ll have a taste of how it feels to really be living as a man, instead of as a human cash machine.

3. I get very nervous when talking to women. Is there anything you can recomendar to help me get over this?

El Gran Caballero: Now I have to guess you’re talking about talking to women you’re interested in taking back to the ol’ rancho for some romps in the nopale patch. If instead you’re having trouble talking to any woman in any situation, then you might need to get the number of the shrink Don Suave was seeing for a while. That’s a bit more serious of an issue and bigger than what I’d want to take on in a few short paragraphs, no matter how insightful and wise they may be.

Learning how to talk to a cute little muchachita at the local club or bar is a basic that eludes many unsuccessful chumps. The good news is that you can learn how to get better at this. Having “game” is not always a God-given gift—but God, I do thank you for my natural gifts! The challenge is finding the right path that works for you.

There are many resources out there. Google is your friend. Your other guy friends are good resources too. Just beware of the websites or friends that make it sound too easy or that all you need is their “miracle” product that will have women flocking to you. Gaining the confidence to talk to women you are interested in takes practice and time. Don’t be afraid of rejection, it’s just part of the process, learn from it and keep trying different tactics. Remember, if you’re not failing, you’re not trying hard enough!

Don Suave: Besides reading every past Don Suave column? The best thing you can do is practice, practice, practice. If you’re extremely nervous talking to chicks, then a good first step is to plan to fail. Go to a club, get a couple of drinks, and then go up to five women in a row, saying the exact same thing to each one. Use any of Don Suave’s pick up lines (see OYE back issues), for maximum effectiveness, but go into the club that night PLANNING TO FAIL. That way, you’re not going to be nervous about talking to these females, because you don’t expect anything you say to actually work anyway, so who cares? But what you’re doing, even though you might not realize it, is building your own confidence. Because the way you’re talking to these chicks, with the attitude that you don’t care what the outcome is, is perceived by the women as exactly the kind of attitude that they find irresistibly attractive: massive self-confidence. To the outside world, the two different attitudes look exactly the same.

Once you realize that you have nothing to be nervous about, because these girls will be lucky to be with you, you’ll laugh all the way home (with a woman on each arm) at how easy it gets.

It’s good to be a man. Happy hunting.

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Submit your questions to Don Suave and El Gran Caballero by emailing: advice@oyemag.com

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